By Sue Botos
Rocky River
Most moms can relate to the morning Kristen Race described to an audience at Rocky River High School on Oct. 11. The author, mother of two and expert in child and family psychology, recalled when the combination of being up all night with a sick child plus a torn seam in a pair of pants (eventually mended with duct tape) made her late and frazzled for a presentation at a school near her Colorado home.
“The point is, these types of mornings are common. We’re often just trying to get through,” Race told the group. Author of “Mindful Parenting,” her appearance, titled “From Surviving to Thriving,” was part of the district’s Town Hall speaker series.
“We live in survival mode. This not only impacts us, but the people around us. Kids are like sponges. They soak it all in and this has tremendous impact,” stated Race, who has written and spoken extensively about “mindfulness,” what she called “the practice and activities (of bringing) brains into balance” or “learning to respond wisely to things that happen to you.”
In a presentation peppered with video clips and a few mindfulness exercises for the audience, Race illustrated what she called “generation stress,” stressed adults raising stressed children. She noted, according to studies, most adult doctor visits are anxiety related, and the “street drug of choice” among teens has changed from stimulants to Xanax.
“They’re now looking for things to calm them,” she stated.
Race explained the same mechanism stimulates both the problem-solving area in front of the brain, and the “fight or flight” response in back. “The alarm part reacts faster and is stronger than the smart part of the brain,” she continued, adding the pathway used most often will eventually resemble a slick, fast sledding hill.
The result of reacting constantly to the “stress alarm” is eventually even trivial things can set it off, resulting in depression and anxiety in adults, and age-inappropriate acting out in children.
The practice of mindfulness, said Race, can change the way the brain responds to a stressful world.
“Our brains weren’t designed to multitask,” Race emphasized, referring to the way adults and children often feel compelled to do several things at once. Mindfulness, she said, allows people to “pay attention to the present moment with kindness,” and relies on activities to literally change the brain.
The best way to calm a stress response, said Race, is through attention to breathing, which needs to be practiced – sometimes in the form of meditation – so it can be “called up” when needed. She had the audience try this by using their fingertips to form a ball, which was inflated by exhaling, and deflated with inhaling.
“I notice a profound difference when I practice and when I don’t,” she said.
Connection is another necessary part of mindfulness according to Race. She challenged parents to make time to “truly be engaged with your child with no agenda.” She added communicating through a screen does not have the same benefit as speaking with someone in person.
“We’re hardwired to remember the negative,” said Race, moving to the topic of “engrave the good.” With so many stressors enforcing the bad, she noted it was important to find the positive. “Even amid the worst of days, there’s the good stuff,” she stated, urging families to write down or discuss three good things experienced by each member for 14 days. According to studies, she said this had a better outcome than Prozac.
“The parenting journey is riddled with mistakes. Don’t pretend to be perfect,” advised Race, noting a common mistake made by parents. But, she added, it was important to “show compassion for yourself,” and not say to yourself things you would not say to others.
Tying her points together, Race illustrated another family activity she called Rose, Bud, Thorn.
Here, each family member reflects on the day, speaking to a good experience (Rose), and act of kindness they did (Bud) and a mistake they learned from (Thorn).
Race noted mindfulness takes practice and time. “Start with yourself, and it will trickle down to others,” she advised.
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